A Painful and Wonderful Paradise
by The Malkavian Philosopher
Summary: Shinji figures out after Impact what's Important, and Asuka's Selfish Facade of pride shatters and crumbles as a result. Ikari S. & Sohryuu-Langley A. Chapter 5 is now up. R&R, if you pls would.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Evangelion or any of it's characters. I have nothing you want, Studio Gainax, this story is for entertainment purposes only. I highly doubt I could come up with anything good enough to turn a Profit like Shinseiki Evangelion turned out doing anyways! :-P**_

A Painful and Wonderful Paradise

By: The Malkavian Philosopher

Introduction

Humankind has never enjoyed pain. It has spent much of it's existence trying to find ways to live a painless life, sometimes at the price of it's own Humanity, forgetting what Life is all about in the process. As humans, we tend to deal with pain in many ways, and not all of them are healthy. Addiction, Obsession, Encasement, and Retreat...all valid options to deal with pain, but usually chosen before the best option of all: Acknowledging it's existence and allowing it to teach us lessons, then finding a way to correct the mistake that brought it about. It is quite true, that "Man fears the darkness, and so he laps away at it's edges with Fire." But rather than fear the darkness, would it not be more logical to embrace it and learn from what the dark has to teach? And so we come to observe, the case of one Ikari Shinji. A man who has retreated from pain his entire life, until everyone he could possibly care about has died. If he willed them to exist again in his heart, they would...but only if he wished it.

10 years after 3rd Impact, we see a new world. Out of the Ashes of Old Tokyo-3, a place of pain and mental torture for so many years, has risen a new town, Neo Kyoto. The founder of this town, one Ikari Shinji, lives in a modest cottage 5 miles outside the City Limits. It is to this cottage we have been ionvited on this cool summer morning to hear the vision that Ikari-san had all those years ago next to the Primordial Ocean, after losing everything so dear to him...a world of Co-existence and Diplomacy during conflict, rather than a world of War and Cowardice.

As we walk through the front door of this Humble Abode, we see a Beautiful redhead lying asleep in a futon on the floor. A tall, athletic, short-haired young man is stooping over her, and he gently brushes a strand of stray Fiery locks away from her half-open mouth. He watches his sleeping Angel with a peaceful tranquility in his eyes. He smiles and says to us without looking up: "Greetings, I didn't expect you to be here so soon. I guess you're wondering what this Beauty is doing in my Bed? I also guess I should start at the beginning..." The young man reaches for an Antique Jewelry Box, and we see two charred Neurotransceptors inside. Both of them are bright red, or they were before the flames of a long ago fire lapped away at them. Now they are stained in splotches with soot. The young man closes the lid to the box, and finishes, "As any story does."

Chapter 1: Introduction to Paradise

"You damned idiot! How could you leave me there like that?!? I was torn to shreds!" The Redhead Reaver was on the warpath again, and there was no-one to take the brunt of it this time but a single 16 year old young man. He sat there, silent and sullen, taking the insults he had so rightfully earned. "Are you just going to sit there like a Retard? Mien Gott no Eta! Don't talk to me, don't come near me, and just like I said, not if I was the last woman on Earth and the survival of the human species depended on us...Fuck off!" The redhead twirled on her heel, and stormed off, still wearing the makeshift bandage that the young man, left behind, now sobbing, had wrapped around her head.

"Ayanami...Mi..satou-san...where are you...when I need...you...the most?" sobbed the heartbroken male as he sat next to the Grave Markers he had erected in memory of those he cared for most.. Ikari cried for hours, until he ended up giving himself a splitting headache, yet he continued to let out all the frustration, anger, and heartache that had built up over the years. He had reached his breaking point, he was a broken man, one with nothing left to live for, nothing to protect, and it seemed, nothing to Love. Night fell, and he sat by the Primodial Sea, staring into the vacant eyes of the Instrument that brought about 3rd Impact. "Was this what you were meant for all along? Was this your purpose for existing, Ayanami?"

"What do you think my purpose for existing was, Ikari-kun?" came the voice, gentle and serene. Ikari looked around, thinking he was losing his mind. "Given the situation, that wouldn't be such a bad thing right now." he lamented. He saw no-one, and played it off to his own sorrows. Ironically enough, he felt compelled to answer the voice. "No, I saw the camera's from Central Dogma, this was the most logical course of action for someone as yourself. Defy the man that used you for so long, and embrace what you wish to protect. It just went Fubar, through my own faults, of course."

"What are your faults, Ikari-kun? Who are you? What do you wish to protect? Who is important enough to you that you would give your life for them?" The next onslaught of questions was too much for Ikari, and he whirled, "Who are you!?! Show yourself, so help me God, Asuka, If that's you I don't care if the Human species dies out as a result...I'll strangle you myself!."

"Why do you refer to me as the 2nd Children? As for showing myself, I will do so when you are prepared for me to do so. Until next time we meet, Farewell, Ikari Shinji." the Voice replied. That was it, Ikari decided, he had lost it. But the voice had asked some valid questions. What were his faults, surely one of them was cowardice...no he had gone into battle selflessly and won to protect those important to him, he was no coward. Intolerance...no he had been quite tolerant of Asuka's browbeating and Misatou-san's teasing, not to mention taking all sorts of crap from Father. So what were his Faults? Who was he? What was his Identity? It was quite obvious everything he wished to protect was gone now. Not to mention the only person he ever loved unconditionally now hated him just as much. God, he was so fucked up in the head.

*Sunrise, Next day*

Ikari woke with a dryness in his mouth, and he went to the Primodial Sea instinctively for a drink. Hopefully, it wasn't salty like the ocean had been before it. He took a sip from cupped hands, and immediately spat out what he had sipped. It tasted like LCL. Nothing filled him with more revulsion than the thought of the Entry Plug that had brought him so much comfort, yet so much pain. He wondered what would happen if he were to boil it, maybe it would remove the taste. Ikari set up a small lean-to tinderbox, and took a small rock and a piece of JSSDF Aircraft material, and started slamming the two together, sparks flew, and the Tinder caught. Once he had a blaze going, he thought to himself as he put a cylinder of Primordial Seawater over the flames, "Flint and steel, two different form of solids, yet solids nonetheless. Try to force them together, and the flint dents the steel or the steel chips the flint. Under the right circumstances, though, putting them together produces a child...Fire."

He looked at the makeshift pot, and though he had just put it on the flame, it was already crystal clear. It no longer had the Red Tint to it. Ikari took a small sip from the container, and it tasted like spring water. How had that happened? "Yes, Ikari-kun, that is the question to ask...how did it happen, but one must also ask...Why did it happen? That is ultimately the most important question of all...Why?"

Ikari listened to the voice, more rather to try to understand it than to reply back to it. Personally, this voice scared him. He didn't know if he was losing it little by little, and hearing this voice may be a product of the resulting madness. But it was the only thing he had to listen to or converse with, and whether it was there or not, he could hear it, so he might as well accept the fact it was there. He spent the day forming a stockpile of Sweet Potatoes, guided by the Voices in his head. At the end of the day, he formed a fire, and ended up cooking some of them wrapped in mud he found close to the old lake, now dried up, and tossing them into the flames. He sat there contemplating Life, and what it meant to be alive, for there was surely some reason he was alive. After eating his meal, he decided to get some rest, he'd need it tomorrow if he were going to build himself a shelter. He drifted off under the stars...the last thing on his mind being Asuka and her tormentious battle with that Damned Angel, Arael...and how much it would have satisfied him to personally be the one to drive the Lance of Longinus through it's Heart, or it's Core, as Father would have said. As he finally drifted off, he could swear that someone had his head in their lap and was stroking the side of his face gently.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Notes. I know it's a weird start, but basically what has happened here at the beginning of the chapter is Ikari-kun is telling us how he reached the result we see in the Introduction...a Flashback going back to right after Soryuu-chan came out of shock from the Trauma of her battle and 3rd Impact. And on a side note, if you ever go to Japan, I strongly advise against using the term that Soryuu driected so vehemently at Ikari-kun (Eta). It's the equivalent of the N-Word towards an African American. Unless you want to get seriously hurt at a Bar, DON'T USE IT! Let me know how I'm doing all, Read and Review, if you would be so kind. Peace out!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Evangelion or any of it's characters. Gainax Studios, if you sue me, you can only hope to make me poorer than I already am. Which I couldn't care about either way, but it's nice to be able to go to Conventions and have something to buy your products with. This story is meant for entertainment puposes only.**_

A Painful and Wonderful Paradise

Chapter 2: Paradise Begins

*Sunrise, 3rd Impact +3 Days*

Ikari woke with a start, he knew someone had helped him fall asleep. He distinctly remembered the soft hands stroking his temple as his tortured mind found solace in his subconcious. He looked around, but saw nothing save the burnt wasteland shores of Ocea Primordea, a term he had come to call the red ocean that stretched out to the horizon. Who was it? Where did they come from? Surely Asuka would never have had the soft and gentle touch that lulled him into slumber so easily, well..maybe before 3rd Impact she may have, but he would never find out now.

He set up his Lean-to tinderbox setup again, and spawned another child of Flint and Steel. As he watched the blaze rise, he wondered to himself, "This fire is alive, just like me...it cooks my food, and keeps me warm, and in exchange, I feed it and shelter it from the like me, it survives on other living organsims deaths. What affinity does Asuka share with a creature such as this? Surely she survived the same as me, but it must go much deeper than that." Once again, while retreating into his thoughts, he heard that gentle and serene voice, "Amusing Creatures, you humans are. You sit there, completely absorbed in the task of Self-preservation, yet you have time to think of another of your kind selflessly. Why? She hurt you, she insulted you...she USED you. And now that she has leeched you dry, she despises you. How can you think such things of HER? She would see you suffering, crucified without death to the Tree of Life before ever thinking such thoughts of you." Ikari looked around, wondering where this voice came from, and while it terrified him, he knew exactly where it came from. But, since he knew it came from him, he also knew that meant he had a degree of influence over it.

"Say what you wish about Asuka, I know her, and while she may hate me...it's not because she can't get anything out of me. It's because I failed her, just as I failed everyone. If you can't talk the truth of her, shut the hell up! I know you reside within me, and just like I give you life by existing, I can take away your life by ending my own." Ikari grumbled, unaware of the pair of eyes that could not believe what the ears on the same body were telling them. Ikari was sitting here talking to somebody, but he wasn't aware of the only other human around. Not only that...he was admitting his weakness and accepting responsibility for it, rather than denying it and running away. And she hated him, yes...she couldn't change that, but he still defended her. What was going on here? Had he finally cracked? Had SHE finally cracked? Did he really care for her all along? "Ugh, now I really am beginning to crack!" Mumbled Asuka to herself as she remembered Momma's first lesson: "All Men are Perverts." But, despite this fact, he had food and water. Both were things that she had gone without since before Impact and she was thirsty, not to mention hungry. The rumbling of her stomach attested to this last fact, and it was not a testament that went unnoticed by the young man sitting with his back to her. As he turned around, she saw a coldness in his eyes that rivaled her own stare of contempt. Without a word, he started dividing up the stack of Sweet Potatoes into two stacks, and when he set one stack on one side of the fire and sat on the far side with the other, Asuka knew what he was implying...he offered to share his sustenance with her, but she had to approach him on his terms now. No longer could she rely on herself, no longer could she push people away if she wanted to live.

She could stay foolish and proud, claiming she could take care of herself..or she could humble herself, and gain food from this creature that sat before her, behind the flames. Asuka stood there for a minute, not sure of what to do. Given the look in Shinji's eyes, one that looked devoid of any human emotion, he had flipped. He was an animal. Unpredictable, possibly dangerous. But the hunger clawing at her gut was enough to do the same to her if she let it. She finally let a sigh of defeat pass her lips, and she approached the flickering animal that separated her from the more dangerous one. One that she had formerly known, but no longer existed. The beast that inhabited Shinji's body watched her every move as she approached his Sentry. She eventually sat down with the pile, and the beast before her said with a flat, and honestly scary voice, "wrap them in mud and they bake more evenly."

Asuka listened for a bit more to the silence before she realized what was occuring. This animal not only knew how to survive, he was sharing his hunt with her, and was even sharing comforts with her to make his hunt more enjoyable. Animals did no such thing, but the look on Shinji's face definitely was not human. It had no emotion, no thought. It was an unreadable mask. This was no man before her, it wasn't even a Woman before her. This was either a Demon, or a Saint. Not sure which it was, she would have to watch him just as closely, if not more, than he watched her. She looked at the mud, thinking of wrapping the sweet potatoes in the slop, and her stomach started to flip, wanting to churn out the bile within. "I'll pass..." She told the Beastmaster of Flames. "Suit yourself, I thought as much.", he claimed as he reached for a double sharpened stick. He raised it above his head, and Asuka got ready to run right before he thrust, and it ended up stuck in the ground as he speared the flames with his stake, the point in the perfect position to roast the hunt he shared. Apparently, this creature, this wild and feral Keeper of Hellfire, had no intention of harming her. With the speed that stick flew, he could have skewered her before she reacted, had he wished. Instead, he provided her a tool to enjoy her...no his, since he had hunted and slain for it...meal.

But she knew nothing came without a price. He obviously wanted something out of this offering...the question was what. "What do you gain from this exchange?" Asuka finally managed to squeak out. No longer was she the one in control, no longer the one holding the reins of power. This thing before her held her life in his hands, if only for the immediate moment, and the thought was comforting and frightening at the same time. "I gain a conversant for the night." was the simple statement that came from him. "Well, don't just sit there..talk then you..." she began before slapping a hand over her mouth, realizing the foolishness of her folly. "Why don't you talk instead. You seem to enjoy doing so." came the cold stare and reply, and she knew she would have to walk softly. She was powerless on his territory, to offend him could mean Death, or worse, as she had seen things so much worse than death. And so she sat, eating silently with this creature....wondering what the this Day would bring.


	3. Chapter 3: Asuka's Epiphany

Disclaimer: I don't really see this as necessary, if I could pump out material on the Level of the Great Sadamoto and Hideaki, I wouldn't be posting Fanfics on a Website. :-p It is what it is....a Entertainment Fanfiction, nothing more or less.

Painful and Wonderful Paradise

Chapter 3: Asuka's Epiphany

The silence had gotten unbearable. Baka Shinji seemed so content to sit there in silence watching her squirm from not being able to fire off endless insults...and yet...here she was with him, the ability to ask anything she wanted and she couldn't seem to work up the nerve? She had to at least show she wouldn't be intimidated.

"Shinji, can I ask you something?" asked the Pilot of Unit-02. Ikari just glanced up at her expectantly. Seeing she had his full attention, she continued, "What was it you saw in Wondergirl? Why did you like her instead of me? What was so great about her that you wanted her?" Shinji just went back to tending the flames, and he calmly muttered, "This isn't about Ayanami, is it, it's about you, huh?" Asuka was taken aback by the directness of his inquiry, but he had a point...as much as she hated to admit it, she always hated Ayanami because all the guys were always talking about how they'd love to ask her out...she had been the Class Idol. At least, after she herself had treated all the guys in her class like a Dungpile. Up until that point, she had been considered quite the Fox. Afterwards, she was just the Bitch. She couldn't blame Shinji for prefferring the Doll over her. She HAD been a bitch. Not just to Shinji, but his friends too. What was that Hikari had said? "Shinji's different, Touji is always hanging around, saying how terrible you are...Shinji will say that you treat him bad, but that you aren't a bad person."

Guilt slammed into Sohryuu like a Crate of Bricks. All she had ever wanted was someone to notice her...and he had done so the entire time....seen past her Wall, gotten around her barricades, just to be shoved away at every attempt to reach out to her. And he was gone...ripped to shreds on the inside like she had been on the outside from Impact. "I'm sorry, if you would excuse me, Shinji....I need some time to think." Shinji just nodded his understanding, and went back to the flames.

Asuka went to the Cliff that had overlooked Yokohama Harbor, the place she and her dead Soulmate had met. It was a desolate wasteland now, mirroring her love's heart...the ocean a bloody red, red like the blood pouring from the wounds she had inflicted on him, and the shoreline littered with debris, the flesh he had dropped to make his burden lighter to carry hers. She had it all, a simple life, albeit fraught with the occasional Angel Attack, a roof over her head, and the guy that noticed and knew HER, not her sham identity. Why had she been such a fool? How had she been such an IDIOT?!? Blinded by her own sheild, she had unwittingly missed how she had stabbed herself in the back, and not even cared until her sheildbearer had fallen. Now, she was alone...vulnerable...at the mercy of a creature she neither trusted nor knew. At least Shinji could be relied upon to not spy upon her beautiful form in the shower...she looked down, and now despised the slender, graceful figure that made up her Physical Self. It wasn't beautiful at all! It was a Physical Manifestation of what she had allowed her own soul to become...a twisted, malnourished, warped form, that nobody, save those with the purest intentions, could ever love. And she had dropped an N2 Mine on that one chance she had.

Tears began to well up in her eyes, from ducts long atrophied through lack of use. She tried telling herself what she always had, "I promised I wouldn't cry. I'm a Big Girl now..." The battle lasted all but 4 seconds before her resolve surrenderred, and she curled up in a ball, sobbing, silently wailing, and longing for her love's embrace, the one she knew would never come...the one she had so many times refused through her own selfishness and pride. And so, it imploded upon itself exponentially, because the only person she could blame was herself, and she could barely breathe between sobs, the heartache was so unbearable. She wanted to die, she wanted to go back, and be torn to shreds all over again, if only her Shinji would come back and love her once more, if only her memory. What she had done was unforgivable...she had murdered her soulmate, her One, her other-half. What sat by that fire was no longer Shinji...he had died, and another being had taken possession of his bofy, and SHE was responsible for the whole damned thing!

Into the night, she sobbed, and croaked, alone and miserable. She was broken, busted, dashed and shattered...and nobody would pick up the pieces now. There wasn't anybody TO pick up the pieces...she had seen to that personally! She was lower than a dog, than a slimy slug...and this was her existence. She felt sick.


	4. Chapter 4: The Fall From Grace

Author's Note: If you thought the last Chapter was dark, it gets worse here. This chapter is going to describe Asuka's Descent into despair, along with an attempt to end her life here. Don't worry, I won't kill off the main female lead of the story, as much as I am an Ayanami Fan myself. And after the whole incident, it gets much more light-hearted. We will be dealing with a slightly different typing format in this chapter, as certain plotlines require it. Refer to the Key below for Contextual Typeset Meanings:

Normal Text=Normal Text

///Normal Text\\\=Flashback setting

*Character Name: lowercase text*=Thoughts of said Character

+CAPS TEXT+=Sound effects

A Painful and Wonderful Paradise

Chapter 4: The Fall From Grace

Asuka awoke the next morning, cold and soaked from the dew that had condensed on her plugsuit. Her eyes were puffy from falling asleep sobbing her eyes out. For once in her life, she realized she was truly alone. "You two are just like a married couple" came the Major's teasing in Asuka's memories, and the pang began to return to her chest. She was hungry, but she didn't even feel like returning to the campsite for breakfast. "He" was there, and even though it wasn't Shinji, that was what made it all the worse. Shinji, but not Shinji...she'd never see him again. Asuka unwrapped the bandage from her head, and looked at it. It had been made from torn white cloth, what looked like strips torn from a dress shirt. Suddenly, something caught her eye on a part that could only have been from a sleeve portion wrapped around her hand. Coffee stains, large ones, as if the person wearing the shirt had fallen into a large puddle of it. cAnd suddenly, it all came flashing back to her:

///Asuka was watching a scene, that seemed like she was watching it on TV, yet she was right there. "Please, Asuka, I want to be with you. I want to stay with you, be by your side...let me help you." *Asuka: no....not this, not at a time like this. i can't deal with this, not how i finally killed shinji, anything but this...* Asuka watched as the scene unfolded before her eyes, and she wanted to slap the schiesse out of the german she saw tormenting the only one that accepted her. She watched as she pushed him into the coffepot, and onto the steaming hot floor, and watched as her soulmate snapped. She couldn't believe that this was her standing there colder than ice, and she knew that this girl had made the biggest mistake in saying the simplest of words, "No". She lunged forward at the same time Shinji did, and wrapped her hands around the german girl's throat, squeezing as hard as she could. Together with Shinji, she lifted this Redhead offender off the ground, and proceeded to straddle her, tightening her grip even more. Suddenly, she was surrounded in darkness, and she looked around, only to find that she had a Doll in her clutches, and with that final image, she wrung her hands one final time with a scream, and she heard the satisfying +RRRRRIIIPPPP!!!!+, as she looked down in satisfaction, then horror, as she realized she had blood covering her hands, and she was holding something in one of them. It was soft, and warm, and when she lited it to her face to inspect it, it throbbed one final time, and spurted a warm red fluid on her face. She knew what it was, yet it wouldn't register until the body it belonged to rose off the floor and grinned at her, a bloody hole in his white dress shirt put through his chest. "Thanks, Asuka. You finally did it. You rid me of my Foolish and Naive heart....now I can never feel anything for you again. Go ahead, say it, call me an Idiot like you always do...say SOMETHING!" Asuka stood there frozen in horror looking at the inhuman thing in front of her. It wore Shinji's Face, spoke like him, wore his clothes, but this wasn't like Shinji. "Well, don't just stand there, do I have to make you call me an 'Anta Baka'? Or, do I just have to, +RRRRRGGGGAAAARRRGGGH+"\\\

Asuka shrieked as if she had just been face-to-face with Areal herself. She shook, and trembled, as she started coming out of shock. "Mein gott in himmel, what the hell...." She started to realize what was going on. This was her retribution for losing her humanity, and killing her soulmate...she was to be forced to relive the trauma of doing so over and over again. That would not be something she could bear, it was best to end it while she had the sanity to realize she could...she wasn't going to end up being so far gone she wouldn't even realize she was hanging herself like her mother had done...no, she would know what she was doing when she did it. She looked around for some rope, but all she could find was the bandages Shinji had wrapped around her head. Muttering to herself, "I can't take it...no more, no more..." she braided the cloth strips into a rope, and decided the best way would be to make a knot that would strangle rather than break her neck...it's how Shinji would want her to go if he were here anyways.

Asuka tightened the cloth rope, and after a few seconds of no blood flowing through her jugular, she blacked out. She found herself in a watery place. It was warm, and inviting...it reminded her of a Mother's Womb for some odd reason. "I see you have returned," said the strange voice from apparently nowhere, yet everywhere. As much as Asuka hated her mother for leaving her, this place didn't seem revolting like the memories of her did. Asuka opened her eyes, to see fish she had never seen before swimming around her, gracefully, yet fluidly. She raised her hand up to a school passing by, and she was able to run her hand through the silky fabric of organisms coexisting together. They paid her no mind, save for avoiding a direct collision with her hand, yet they seemed to have no problem rubbing against it as they passed. "Returned, to where?" asked a confused Asuka. "Where else, to that from whence you came..." Asuka shed a tear, odd enough that she was underwater and able to breathe...no she didn't even need that function, as if she had no lungs, yet this tear floated up before her. "Watch, child...watch and learn." The teardrop before her fluctated in shape, almost as if speaking to her, yet she knew what it was doing...telling a story, as the rythms of shifts synchronized with Traumatic and peaceful times in her life.

Suddenly, she noticed a similar teardrop slowly floating towards hers. This one was similar in it's patterns of shifting, but not synchronized. As the two drew closer, they became more and more in synch with each other's movements. Finally, the two were mere millimeters apart, and she thought she saw the glimpse of brown hair in the new teardrop, and when she saw the smiling face in it, she knew who this teardrop had once belonged to. Upon this realization, the two droplets merged into one, and became a shining gem of radiant beauty. It sparkled more than the most brilliantly cut diamond, was clearer than the purest quartz, and it's radiance rivalled the sun, Asuka had to cover her eyes, just to look in it's direction. The rays beaming from it toned down a bit, and she was able to see this gem for it's true nature. As she took the gem in her hand, she saw, encased in the gem, two tiny hearts, beating in perfect synchronization...better than she could ever hope to perform on a Synch Test. One had two grey mineral protrusions atop it's crown, and the other had two scarlet mineral pieces of the same type in the same place. "Now you understand, child...do you not?" Asuka could only nod her head. "Then what will you do?" Asuka pondered this for a moment, thinking to herself, "What can I do? I killed myself, I'm stuck here." Then she heard the voice say to her, seemingly from far away, "Why don't you wake up?" Asuka sat there as the light faded out, and the water around her grew cold, "Wait, I don't understand...what am I going to do?" The voice simply replyed one last time, "Wake up, Asuka"

Asuka snapped her eyes open, to find herself lying on some soft branches on the ground, Shinji was kneeling over her, dabbing her sweating forehead with a damp cloth. Asuka had never been so relieved or so happy to see Shinji, and she clamped onto him...screw the fact that this technically wasn't Ikari, if he would hold her, that was enough. She bawled and sobbed again, praying he wouldn't shove her off of him, hoping that this one moment could last for eternity...that is, until the next moment came. She felt his arms wrap protectively around her, in not even the slightest of forbidden manners, and he just lightly squeezed. It wasn't a strange embrace...it was more one that cared, one that felt the same pain she did. At this moment, she stopped mid-sob, and just listened to his voice, "It's okay, Asuka, we all have hard times we have to live through, but in the end, that's what makes Life worth living...is it not, Asuka?" At the final part, he withdrew his embrace and shifted her to where she was looking into his eyes, they seemed cold and calculating still, but there was a glimmer of warmth somewhere in the deep recesses of them. "Don't foolishly throw your life away like that again, understood?" Asuka just nodded, and she felt a throb in her hand. Shinji replied gently, "Good, then let's get something to eat for dinner." as he stood up and went over to the firepit, and she noticed White threads hanging from a jagged piece of metal hanging at his belt. Asuka looked into her hand, and saw the gem she had seen before, and though she didn't know how it had come with her from her dream/hallucination, she knew she should treasure it always.


	5. Chapter 5: You were never alone

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Painful and Wonderful Paradise

By: The Malkavian Philosopher

Chapter 5: "You were never alone"

"Where am I? It's cold and dark here." Asuka looked around her, she was in the same clothes she had on as a little girl that fateful day she saw the woman that gave birth to her dangling like a broken marionette from the rafters...they were just in a larger size. Confusion and whispers swirled around her, indeterminable mummerings that whispered despair and anguish. In the darkness, Asuka saw a woman walking ahead of her. The long red hair and the long, sensuous stride were unmistakeable.

"Mama!" cried Asuka to the walking form with it's back to her. No response. "Mama? It's me! Wait for me!" cried the redhead as she dashed off after her. Even though her pace should have been twice, thrice at best, that of the woman in front of her, they nonetheless stayed the same distance from each other. "Mama!...where...are you...going?" Asuka huffed as she slowed her gait down to a slow walk. Strenous activity seemed to take a lot of energy here, wherever "here" was. The Woman in front of her didn't even turn around, but simply beckoned to her. Asuka, rejuvenated by the fact that her mother was asking her to come closer, dashed towards her again, and it became as though the woman was running towrds her at the same speed she was going, only twice the normal speed. A split second before Sohryuu could open her mouth to scream, the woman in front of her turned around, and Eva Pilot 02 found herself staring into the face of something most definitely not human, yet she had seen that face before...the lidless eyes, the grin of teeth, the bony ridge of a nose lacking cartilage. She had been reunited with mother at last, but mother didn't seem to appreciate it.

Strong hands gripped her around the throat and pressed her to the ground. "Mama?!? What did I do?" Asuka managed to choke out. The reply came in gutteral grunts and words, "Ywooo. Ywoo made mee like disss'! Ywoo toocgh Mai beeyooty and stole eet!" Asuka couldn't understand percisely "what" her mother was talking about, though she could understand the words, but she was obviously pissed. "Mama, I was born like this. I'm your daughter, remember?" Her mother lifted her off the ground into the air with a defiant roar, "Mai dawter dieeed wif meee!" and Asuka felt the hands clutch tighter on her throat. The airway was now clear, but bloodflow was being blocked through her Jugular, as she screamed, "Mommy, let me gooo-hoo! I just wanna' be with yoooou!"

The hands released, and wrapped protectively around her, cradling her as if she were a toddler. She felt her head pressed into a chest with a soft heartbeat. "Why mother, why do you hate me so much? I just wanted you to love me, but you hate me! No matter how well I did, no matter how high I scored in school, work was always more important. Why?!? Why Mommy? Whi-hyyyyy?!?" Asuka sobbed into the arms, shoulders and chest that had finally embraced her after so long. She felt the grip tighten decidedly, and she felt hands run through her hair, Male hands, without a doubt. Before she could react, she felt a hard object press against her head. She opened her eyes, to see something completely foreign. Shinji was holding her, not Mommy, he had his arms wrapped around her, cradling her. His face was mere inches from hers, yet his eyes were closed tightly. And was that a tear she saw at the corner of that eye? There was no way to tell if he was squeezing his eyes shut because he wanted her to shut up, or if he was in pain. A few moments later, the droplet grew a few millimeters, and she understood, it WAS a tear! "When did things become this way? When did Shinji care enough to hold me during my nightmares, and during the times I was alone." She heard a voice reply in her head, "You are not alone. You were never alone" *I know that voice! Wondergirl?!?* flashed through Asuka's mind. Whether or not she was hallucinating the voice, the fact remained she was no longer alone. As the teardrop made it's way down Shinji's cheek, Asuka wrapped her arms around Eva Pilot 01 and slowly murmurred into his ear two simple yet beautiful words she had rarely used in her lifetime, and even more rarely meant, adding one last addition to the end. :

"Thank you....Shinji."

Author's Note: Sorry for the short Chapter this time 'round. I'm dealing with some things IRL that require a bit more attention than my writing currently...applying for grants, prepping for an Entrance Exam for College (Again), so yeah. I've been a bit muchos occupado with things lately, not to mention work. ',..,' Anyways, I know some of ya'll have been quite "Vigilant" *wink wink* and waiting for the latest release, so I took some time-out and made a filler chapter with a bit of "D'awwww" to it and some realizations on Sohryuu's part. I thank you for hanging on this long, and as always, R&R please. Your reviews shape my storyline even if just a bit through constructive criticism.


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